Dear Brad Pitt

Dear Brad Pitt,

(World War Z spoiler alert!)

via

I hope you have recovered after saving the world from Zombies. I think you sustained 10 cuts on your face not forgetting that nasty piece of airplane that got lodged in your stomach. Considering all that you went through, you're pretty lucky. Your Israeli pal lost her hand, thanks (or no thanks) to you.

Anyhoos, if you're not too busy, could you swing by Singapore? Like today or latest tomorrow? You probably heard about the Great Singapore HaZe. Well, read my blog post here if you haven't. The HaZe situation has gotten slightly better for us since Saturday. Yeah, the wind changed direction. The authorities however warned that the haze is expected to persist despite the clearer skies outside our windows. Yes, I suppose the wind could change direction again.

You're probably wondering "why me?" See, you have all these experience as a UN investigator and you successfully batted the Zees. In Singapore we call them Zeds. Well, potato, tomato. HaZe should be a piece of cake.

No? Let's see. We could kick your family off the ship. Hmm... wait you own the ship.

Tell you what. If you agree to come, everyone in Singapore will go see every single movie you make from now on. (no matter how bad) Especially the ones you also produce. There are over 5 million people in Singapore.

We have a deal!

Now here's the plan. You come in your UN airplane which will airlift my family to Nova Scotia after you have landed. (I don't have a valid passport. Hope that's not a problem) Next, our people here will send you by helicopter to Sumatra. Your job is to find Fire Zero. Why, you might ask? Finding Fire Zero is essential because we need to know the buggers who burned their land. Without finding out who, the authorities cannot prosecute them to stop future fires. All the companies named as the fire starters have denied doing it. Zero burning is their policy.

We didn't start the fire.

Oh, there are likely to be many, many Fire Zeroes. Remember nature leaves crumbs. Find those crumbs. Oh, before I forget, bring your own N95 mask. I couldn't get any N95 masks despite going to 3 pharmacies. They did offer me the useless 3 ply surgical masks which they limit to 10 pieces per customer.

Oh, we won't let you go into the fire alone. We give you our own doctor - Dr Vivian. He has experience in Indonesia. Why, just a few days ago, he went to Indonesia to hand deliver a letter from our PM. I'm not sure if the letter was handwritten or laser printed. Listen. We're going to give him a gun too. Just make sure upon landing in Sumatra, he doesn't trip and shoot himself.

After you're all done with Sumatra, please hop by Singapore again. See, we're not just in the middle of a air crisis. We have a problem with the aedes mosquitoes too. Have you heard of them? These moZZies carry a virus which can be lethal to people. They're kinda like the zombies you battled. They spread the virus through their bites except they fly and are very small. And since they're in the Zees (or Zeds) family...

I know it's a lot to ask but you've already done it once. All you got to do is inject yourself with a virus of your choice, something non-lethal and of course curable but not wimpy either.  After that, let's count to 30, shall we? Then proceed to lock yourself in a room filled with aedes mosquitoes. If the mosquitoes bypass you "like a river around a rock", we'll know that mozzies don't attack unhealthy prey. This will buy us time for WHO to develop a vaccine against dengue fever. At this point you're probably asking why don't we get our locals to volunteer? Well, you fell from a plane and managed to land with your seat belt still securely belted on and lived to save the world. No one is as lucky as you. You're the guy.

Thank you.