What Doesn't Kill You

I read this on a friend's whatsapp status:

What doesn't kill you, comes back stronger.

I had a really good laugh because I immediately imagined Aliens. Did you?

Today is 11.11. A big day for sales. Hubs went out early to buy all the things. He went shopping from the western part of Singapore to the eastern part of Singapore before going to work. At midday, we talked on the phone and he said he hasn't bought anything yet because it seems he already owns all the things he wants to buy. Anyway, I bet he did buy something...

So, where was I? Yes, last month I had vertigo. Wh-what? Yup. That thing that whoozed round. It lasted at most 1 minute. For 1 terrifying minute, I thought I was going mad with the world spinning round and round. I shouted for hubs and you may not know him but he's not very good when it comes to comforting anyone. But he's all I've got and so I shouted for him. He ran into the bedroom and I told him what was happening. You know what he did? He gave me a big hug and tried to reassure me. He might even have patted me. I don't remember. I was spinning out of control. Yup, this person who deserted me while I was giving birth to my first born (he went to eat roti prata) and almost deserted me to go buy shoes when I was about to make a life changing decision to remove my gall bladder - he did the right thing this time. I felt so reassured by his hug that I was able to tell him to google for a solution. And fortunately, the solution was quite simple - turn your head to another direction. Which I did and the spinning slowly stopped. Unfortunately, I had severe motion sickness afterwards and had to lie very still in bed for the next 6 hours. Which was probably quite stupid because I should have gone to the doctor and gotten medicine and maybe I wouldn't be in my current state.

After that day, I was so afraid of triggering another attack that I was too cautious and it resulted in a very stiff neck. You may not know this but I have a history of neck pains and headaches. The stiff neck brought back an avalanche of pain on my neck, shoulder and head. My sleep was terrible and I kept having vertigo nightmares. Night after night. 

I came up with a solution which was to wear the $99 wedding ring hubs had bought me before we got married. Every time I woke up I would look at my ring to reassure myself nothing was spinning. I got the idea from the movie Inception.

I thought as time went by, I would get better and I thought I did. Then I went running and I discovered running was hard. I kept feeling like I was going to fall. When other joggers ran past me, I felt like I was going to fall. When I went round a corner, I felt like I was going to fall. I had to stop ever so often to look at my ring. After a few days, I went for a short run again to check if I was better and it was very bad.  I never thought I would say this but if I can't ever run again, I think it'll break me.

That 1 minute of vertigo really screwed up my mind. I am so psychologically scarred. I felt I was going insane. Walking fast, running, going round corners, going up the escalators - actions I've never given a thought to all became very hard. Since I don't actually fall, it means it's all in my head, my pathetic mind.

So finally I ran (ok, I walked slowly) to my doctor. This clinic had previously taken care of my neck pains and headaches. After a consultation, it was agreed that I should take medication for 3 months and if things don't improve, well, we'll cross the bridge when we reach it.

I've taken the medication for 5 days and I have improved a little. I still wake up at night but at least no more nightmares. Previously, I've felt the need to hold on to hubs or my daughter when I went out but today I managed to go to the supermarket alone and I had very little anxiety. Sure I had to pause now and then to assure myself but I didn't look at my ring at all. So that's a big leap for me!

Unfortunately the medication has an awful side effect. It gives me a ginormous appetite. I keep eating and thinking of eating. In 3 months, you will see a very fat Jane. I'm currently 58kg. Let's see how much weight I put on in 3 months time.

While the meds are healing me, I decided I had better line up some stuff for me to work on, to take my focus away from you-know-what. Sewing and crafting has historically helped me overcome many problems so it doesn't hurt.

This was my WIP from 2018 and I'm determined to finish it. I've already moved my stitches to a longer needle and knitted on a few more rows so yes, it's possible to make a shawl out of it.

This lace scarf I'm going to kill. It's actually a lot longer now and I was thinking I don't like it and it's far too narrow to be of any use so it will give me no pleasure to frog it.

I was going to make a sweater but I lost interest so another project to frog.

I have a yard of this fabric and I don't love it so I'm in the midst of making it into something to wear.

Hubs commissioned something something so I'll show you once I can motivate myself to do the something something.

This is the fabric my daughter bought for her Cleo skirt. I'll get cracking soon.

I became inspired to make this while making the cats quilt. Then I lost steam. I don't want to kill it so I hope I get inspired again.

I started a sourdough starter. Again. The ones from a couple of years ago were thrown out. I started another one 2 months ago but it didn't rise at all. Yesterday I thought what better way to occupy my mind than a pet to feed and nurture? So I started another starter this time using half wholegrain flour and half bread flour. Already I can see it's looking good.

This year I did a lot of decluttering and I have already given away a lot of stuff to either to charity or the karung guni man. Hubs parted with a lot of stuff which is amazing given his tendency to hoard. I have decided to give up on collecting my Pullips and Dals. I'll be selling most of my dolls and if you're interested, please stay tuned. I'll list them this month. I won't be shipping overseas so I hope you'll understand.

That's all I've planned for November. I'll also be working on a new bag pattern so that will probably take up most of my time.